Ask Ezlo!

Greetings, greetings! I am Ezlo, the world renowned Minish Keeper of Lore. I know everything and anything about Hyrule, from the total annual rainfall in the Parapa Desert (zero!) to the average height of the Gerudo Male (6'2"). I have made my vast resevoir of knowledge of the ways and facts of Hyrule available to the readers of the Desert Colossus, and thusly if you have any questions for the Great and Wise Ezlo, then ask away using the form below! You can also email ask_ezlo_of_tdc [at] yahoo [dot] com with the subject line "Ask Ezlo Submission."


T h e   A r c h i v e s
April, 2005
June & July, 2005
October, 2005
Jan through March, 2006
Jan through early Dec, 2007
Late April through May, 2008
           May, 2005
Aug & Sept, 2005
Nov & Dec, 2005
April through Dec, 2006
Dec through early April, 2008
May to August, 2008

Your Fan asks
Dear Ezlo,did you notice that in "Will work for Ezlo asks... Dear Ezlo, you are God, over even the Goddesses. I beg of you, can I have Daphne's job? Please? Especially after what she did with "Aaahh!...Hi!"'s message. My qualifications include working at the Itaav & Tnalpgge Co." Itaav & Tnalpgge Co. backwards is Vaati & Eggplant Co.?

Ezlo replies...
My mind. It has been blown.

azled asks
Dear Ezlo,why do people in wind waker have small feet?

Ezlo replies...
You know what they say about men with small feet...

not link asks
Dear Ezlo, why does ganondorf get to keep his triforce piece?

Ezlo replies...
This may seem a bit startling, but he's the only one who asked nicely.

Coli Chibi asks
Dear Ezlo, You know how you said that Canada is'nt a real country? Well me and my sister Zipo are going to bulldoze it over and on its remains create...EZLOLAND! THE ULTIMATE METROPOLIS FROM WHICH EMPEROR EZLO (You!) SHALL RULE SUPREME AND EXTERMINATE TINGLES FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH FOR ALL OF TIME!!! We just need a thosand people too sign this petition! Would you be the first oh great one? First hundred people to sign get a Vaati voodoo doll!

Ezlo replies...
The quickest way to a Minish's heart...

Maki asks
Dear Ezlo, If you could be a human for one day what would you do? And, what would you look like? Also, would you happen to eat any eggplant during that time?

Ezlo replies...
I can foresee heavy drinking. I imagine I'd look much like that Hasselhoff fellow you all so admire, and I would eat all the eggplant I could while they were still smaller than me, so I could pay them back for squashing all my cousins.

[email protected] asks
Dear Ezlo, Wow at least i am asking a zelda related ? Ezlo at the beginning of majoras mask link left hyrule and ended up in some sort of forest where he met skull kid for the first time: do you know where the entrance to the forest is from hyrule? is their any kind of clue?

Ezlo replies...
My many Minish Gods, a serious question? Praise be! Anyways, I've heard a lot of theories about the location of this forest, and the most common one I can think of is that this is a section of the Lost Woods you are unable to travel to in OoT. Honestly, I think it's most likely, as there aren't really any other heavily wooded areas in Hyrule that you can enter.

Lj Rice asks
Dear Ezlo, is the holy trinity from the chatholic religion is in anyway possible related to the triforce?

Ezlo replies...
The triforce doesn't relate to the Holy Trinity any more than the three blind mice do. And if you send me a question suggesting those sightless rodents are sacred, I'll throttle your thumb within an inch of its life.

Hero of cheese asks
Dear Ezlo,

Ezlo replies...

asks
Dear Ezlo, How would the world be like if Peter Pan found Navi, and Link found Tinkerbell?

Ezlo replies...
I do believe in crossovers, I do, I do! Honestly, I would love to have Tinkerbell in a Zelda game. Much quieter, and much more useful in a fight. Plus, flying. 'w0' to the '0t', as you young people say.

Alex asks
Dear Ezlo, on PH, when do I get the treasure arm that Eddo was talking about? Also, what is the point of the treasures on the collections screen? One more question: why is it that in the temple on mercay island, every time you beat a boss and have to go back, you always have to go past the part with the phantoms again? I mean, sheesh! It's so annoying!

Ezlo replies...
You recieve the treasure arm fairly early in the game--just keep playing through the storyline, and you should find it soon enough. As for the treasures, later on in the game a certain shop will show up on Mercay island that will pay a hefty price for some of those baubles. As for the Temple of the Fisher King...well, it's just part of the gameplay. I appreciated it's originality as far as temples in Zelda go.

The_Questioner asks
Dear Ezlo, why? why did nintendo make tingle?! why did hey a creepy 40 year old in tights in the LoZ series?! WHY?! *crying*

Ezlo replies...
Somewhere in Japan is a man worse than a furry. And he should be incredibly ashamed of himself.

Ezlo is god asks
Dear Ezlo, Remeber this question? " asks... Dear Ezlo, I have a code for you a=1 b=2 c=3 and so on.Here it is 5,26,12,15 19,21,3,11,19!!!" I decipered the code, and this is what is said: "Ezlo sucks" Im willing to find him, and kill him for you, if you want. P.S. The next Zelda game has some Wana-be Hero of Time. did you know that? i hope he uses a Gun, though. that would be Badass.

Ezlo replies...
No worries. He has been disposed of; although I may need your services in the future. P.S. You're a little behind, sonny. That was proven fake ages ago.

Voter asks
Dear Ezlo, Who did you vote for?

Ezlo replies...
Let me just say I was unaware you had to vote for an American Citizen. As well as a human.

The_Questioner asks
Dear Ezlo, in LttP, in the beginning it tells a story and show a picture of the 7 sages who sealed ganon in the dark world(a.k.a. Zelda, Rauru, Saria, Ruto, Darunia, Impa, and Nabooru) is the small one w/ the short staff supposed to be Saria?

Ezlo replies...
While it could be, I have my doubts that they even knew who the sages would be when they made LttP. OoT was made quite some years later.

George&Clucky asks
Dear Ezlo, how do I get my friend to stop hanging onto my legs?

Ezlo replies...
Electric pants or amputation. Either one is uncomfortable for you; all the better.

The_Questioner asks
Dear Ezlo, are you male or female?

Ezlo replies...
I was unaware I was so ambiguous...I must now take advantage of my ambiguity and keep you all guessing!

Ezlo asks
Dear Ezlo, i have returned from my Vacation no one ever knew about. Please get off my computer, and let me anser the questions now. BTW, Daphine, here is 9999999 rubies for all your hard work. keep it up!

Ezlo replies...
*Ezlo's private Minitia opens fire on imposter* *real Ezlo takes keyboard* Now, which Ezlo am I? You'll never know.

The_Questioner asks
Dear Ezlo, how do you pronounce the name saria?

Ezlo replies...
I've always said "Suh-Rye-Uh"

dudette asks
Dear Ezlo, My friend questions your ultimate wisdom and says you are fake! What should I do to the traitor?

Ezlo replies...
While you're asking me, he's been sneaking up on you to do you in. Don't hesitate, turn and stab now!

The_Questioner asks
Dear Ezlo, Once again Ezlo, I have another question. How can Ganondorf have two mothers?

Ezlo replies...
Why are you asking this?

-----
Superjulian asks...
Dear Ezlo,Are minish affected by the T-virus?

Ezlo replies...
Yes. With our small stature, the virus has been known to consume us whole.

Zelda asks...
Dear Ezlo, I am having a tea party on Saturday, and it would be ever so lovely if you came over. I promise to have those cakes you like so much. Oh, and if you would be so kind, could you tell the Minish who made my shoes to stop by? I tore a hole in my favorite pair.

Ezlo replies...
Oooh, you mean the cakes out of your EasyBake Oven? *squeals like a schoolgirl* As for the shoeminish, however...well, we had a windstorm the other day. He hasn't come down yet.

little mouse asks...
Dear Ezlo, can you explain what a sock is?

Ezlo replies...
One of the cruelest deathtraps ever made by Hylian kind.

lord of all dragons asks...
Dear Ezlo, What do Subrosians look like without their cloaks? This question has been bothering me for a while...

Ezlo replies...
They're actually just two floating eyes, believe it or not. Yeah, the robes are there so they don't have to answer awkward questions. Way to go and render that precaution utterly useless, though. Jerk.

SoundANBU asks...
Dear Ezlo, How does Link get jelly out of a chu chu? does he just smack it one and hope it comes out, or what?

Ezlo replies...
It's...it's made of jelly...? Isn't it? I mean, just kill it and there's lifeless jelly splattered all over the place. Though now I wonder how the jelly came to life and what happens to its vital organs.

Ezlo Rocks asks...
Dear Ezlo, is ganondorf dead?? like in twilight P.. he was stabbed etc. but never shows him falling or anythin....? hope he isnt best villian ever :)

Ezlo replies...
Ganondorf is never going to die. NEVER. Nintendo likes to keep things simple, and recycling characters is one of the easiest ways to do it.

sparrow asks...
Dear Ezlo, Honestly id say ganondorf would kill link and take over the world if he really wanted to but due its a game he cant.. do u agree?? look at the fact of his power and skill take it into account.. plus he is armoured and towering over link. also has hordes of minions. if it was more realistic he would be unstoppable..

Ezlo replies...
How entertaining would the game be if you didn't stand a chance of losing? Really?

Joker asks...
Dear Ezlo, if ocarina of time is the first in the time line how did ganondorf not know about the master sword in twilight princess. he says impressive sword as if he never saw it... to be honest i think he would have a pain in the backside because of it

Ezlo replies...
Oh, he knew what the Master Sword was. Practically everyone in Hyrule would, I'd imagine. Either way, there's the whole split timeline thing...don't even want to delve into that again right now.

aYour Minish Friend asks...
Dear Ezlo,How come you never visit me? I am your friend.

Ezlo replies...
You live almost a mile away! For me, that takes days!

Your Minish Friend asks...
Dear Ezlo,Why Hasn't Jack updated The TDC timeline yet and where do you think TP takes place in the TDC timeline?

Ezlo replies...
...*sniff*...Jack hasn't been around in a long time...though he was a cruel employer, he was quite the sexy one, and he is sorely missed...his abdominals in particular. Anyways, TP takes place after OoT. It's...well, kinda firmly placed there.

soy el creador de astral palace asks...
Dear Ezlo, hey, can link have a gun? can there be a hyrule city? can malon smoke weed? can there be blood? can there be gross language? is there a posibility? TELL ME!!!

Ezlo replies...
No. No. No. No. No. N.O. YOU ARE NOW TOLD!!!

zipo asks...
Dear Ezlo,i love you so much i,have your plushy,your poster and i'm in your fan club

Ezlo replies...
Daphne, strike this fine gentleman or woman from the list of apocalyptic victims. Good girl.

Charlotteclayton asks...
Dear Ezlo,you useful talking cap so cute. You are so cute and useful that I could hug you as a Bird like talking Cap.

Ezlo replies...
If not for your complete murder of the English language right there, I'd return the sentiments.

Kankuro asks...
Dear Ezlo, *in annoying voice* are you ok?

Ezlo replies...
I was fine, but now my ears are bleeding, thanks.

sukotsutsu asks...
Dear Ezlo, ummm....well...In how are you? Also in Ha2 is Kinrinku died??

Ezlo replies...
I am fine. Something tells me that if kinrinku died, it wouldn't be a bad thing.

Dragoness asks...
Dear Ezlo, why didn't you treat Link with at least one iota of respect? He saved you life, for crying out loud!

Ezlo replies...
...but if I didn't pick on the weird kid with the skirt and ponytail, all the other adults would have made fun of me!

Cazy the blabber mouthed ezlo fan asks...
Dear Ezlo, I used to believe that the reason that Link starred in every game as the exact same character despite each game being set many many years, (sometimes dimensions,) apart from each other was due to the fact that Link had that triforce of courage and that would allow him "re-incarnate" along his bloodline. However my friend who was playing wind-waker the other day after completing it for the first time, came to the part when the king of red lions explains to jabun that the link who stars in wind waker is in no way connected to the hero of time but "possesses his qualities," Which means that that particular link is in no way connected to the others, which made me wonder what actually makes someone the hero of hyrule, the triforce of courage or simply the name "link"? What do you think? Please help to explain this if you can

Ezlo replies...
What do I think? I think it's a Japanese video game. Stop trying to make sense out of everything!

Nikki Edogawa asks...
Dear Ezlo, the quote of the year is "Life Sucks". Do you agree?

Ezlo replies...
I prefer "Everyone else sucks at life."

I'm Not Giving My Name to A Machine asks...
Dear Ezlo, how would the world celebrate if Tingle suddenly died?

Ezlo replies...
If he 'suddenly' died, I'd imagine very spontaneously. Grab the closest champagne bottle and pop the cork, fellas!

[email protected] asks...
Dear Ezlo, hi i asked u about ganondorf... just wanted to say it through a email... in smash bros melee ganondorf was the tallest character by far.. mewtwo was smaller than him and he is supposed to be 6,11 quite tall but ganondorf is bigger again.. he cant be 6,2 in twilight princess link isnt even up to his waist let alone up to his shoulder. solid snake is said to be 6,3 but in brawl he is much smaller than ganondorf did he grow from one game to the other tank you

Ezlo replies...
...Somebody's done their research. Ganon has always looked different from game to game; the only real steady features seem to be hair and skin color, with the style, clothing, and even facial structure changing dramatically. So I imagine height would be a bit iffy as well.

-----
Mah Boi asks...
Are you friends with the King from the CD-i Zelda series.

Ezlo replies...
I was, until he snapped his neck while laughing. Tragic.

Pingle asks...
Dear Ezlo, You have to listen to me! Walmart will take over the world! Infact in five days! Flee to canada! And they have tingle on their side! By the way, i have to tell you an evil secret. Tingle is your father!

Ezlo replies...
Well, Canada's part of the world, so I'm screwed anyways. No point in screaming now, I'll just kick back and watch some Baywatch while I still can.

teh_chosen_one asks...
Dear Ezlo,in OoT, why was dampe's grave connected to the windmill?

Ezlo replies...
Ventilation. Dead bodies aren't the nicest smelling things in the world.

superjulian asks...
Dear Ezlo,Did zelda copy link from peter pan because hey look similer with green hat and the green tunic and a fairy followin them around?

Ezlo replies...
I would wholeheartedly agree with you, were it not for the fact that Link is a mute and Pan never shuts up.

Malon asks...

Dear Ezlo, what is Link's favorite food? I plan to surprise him with a romantic dinner tonight... ;)

Ezlo replies...
Hope you're hungry then, because I've never seen the kid eat much of anything.

Angelheart asks...
Dear Ezlo, a couple of questions for you: 1. When are the Hyrule Chonicles going to be updated? I know TP is kinda hard to place, but we know exactly where PH goes. 2. How do you say your name and vaati's name? I think that's it. Sorry if I misspelled anything.

Ezlo replies...
1. Honestly, that's up to our new lazy webmaster. Jack never would have let it fall into such a state of neglect. He paid a lot more too. And had a much better looking wife. 2.Ezz-low, Vah-tee.

The Weirdo Who Haunts Your Dreams asks...
Dear Ezlo, I am the Weirdo Who Haunts Your Dreams. Yeah, you heard me. Your the asleep dude. Did you know that dude?

Ezlo replies...
*snore*

Will work for Ezlo asks...
Dear Ezlo, you are God, over even the Goddesses. I beg of you, can I have Daphne's job? Please? Especially after what she did with "Aaahh!...Hi!"'s message. My qualifications include working at the Itaav & Tnalpgge Co.

Ezlo replies...
Flattery will get you anywhere. Just don't expect a salary.

Happy Mask Salesman asks...
Dear Ezlo, why can't I stop smiling...seriously. It's starting to hurt my mouth.

Ezlo replies...
My mind drifts towards memories of those Enzyte commercials for some odd reason.

Link's observer asks...
Dear Ezlo, just so you know, I don't picture you as a nerd who sits on his computer eating doritos. I do however, imagine you equally as an old melancholy polygamist minish, and an annoying jerk. Although I enjoy the comedy from your character, I do not enjoy you answering few questions with intention of ANSWERING them. Next time, could you actually answer more of them? Oh and, please... DON'T reply to this letter. Really. I'm serious.

Ezlo replies...
This is why you always send a bribe in your message when you have a special request. Honestly, most questions I get are so immature or pointless that I can't find a way to seriously answer them. So if you want to see more seriously answered questions, send in some answerable questions.

dante asks...
Dear Ezlo,how come zelda never goes out with link in any game??

Ezlo replies...
Nintendo likes to actually focus on the game itself instead of the fangirls' wishes.

7eye Reef asks...
Dear Ezlo, Recently I was reading some of the archives and it seems to me that alot of ..."weird people" like to harass you and acuse you of things you didn't do. I just want you to know that I don't belive a word of it and I'm always on your side. As for you freaks.... LEAVE EZLO ALONE!!! HE'S COOLER THAT YOU ALL WILL EVER BE AND YOU ARE ALL JUST JEALOUS!!! RAWR!!!

Ezlo replies...
Wow. I feel like I have my own personal army now. I'm like Gene Simmons!

Code worker asks...

Ezlo replies...

asks...

Dear Ezlo, I have a code for you a=1 b=2 c=3 and so on.Here it is 5,26,12,15 19,21,3,11,19!!! Ezlo replies...
...I have a Bingo?

farting lord asks...

Ezlo replies...
Dear Sender, While that is a perfectly normal body function.. keep it to yourself and stop sending me junk that isn't even a question. Some people just need to die.. -grumble mumble moo-

Ipo the Reader asks...
Dear Ezlo, I was reading an interview with Shigeru Miyamoto and he mentioned that he wanted to make the Zelda games easier for casual gamers. What are your thoughts on this?

Ezlo replies...
If they're going to make the games easier, they ought to at least put in an option to raise the difficulty as well. Twilight Princess just wasn't very rewarding for me.

Gnondorf asks...
Dear Ezlo, Even though I didn't go to the Sacred Realm, how did I get the Triforce in Twilight Princess? And why did I have no pupils and had long tusk like teeth during my blind rage at my exicution?

Ezlo replies...
I thought you still had the Triforce from when you were banished. The transformation was probably just your power bursting out of you in your frantic state. How am I supposed to know this better than you, you olive-skinned orphan?

Caleman asks...
When they had toon link on Smash Brothers Brawl, why didn't you show up for a bit? At least as an assist trophy? To be honest, I think you would have helped me conquer on that game. Or have Vaati as an enemy on that game.

Ezlo replies...
They weren't willing to pay enough to put me in the game. I know, I know, I disappointed millions, but I have my standards. I might not need to eat much, but food where I come from is expensive, due to the fact that we eat so little it's hard to sell much food if you're a grocer. It's a vicious cycle.

Ahroun-Zanahi asks...
Dear Ezlo, I have a dog who always used to love going on walks. Suddenly, now she's terrified to go on a walk. I'm not sure what to do. I really think I need Cesar Millan, but I figured your superior Minish intelect would be better. What should I do?

Ezlo replies...
I consulted a proffesional for this one--yes I can talk to dogs, but honestly they frighten me. You see, I make excellent conversation, and they tend to get excited, then the drool comes down like rain and...you get the picture. Anyways, this is what my contact said: "Well, if they aren't the only person to take the dog on walks, it could be something on another walk scared it, like a dog attack, where the dog would have to learn that the owner would be there and not all walks were bad, OR it could be they're trying to teach it 'heel' and yank on his leash aka collar a lot, which makes it less enjoyable for the dog. Either way I'd suggest putting the leash on and off throughout the day with or without a walk, and smaller walks until it's more comfortable. Oh, and treats when they're on walks."

Superjulian asks...
Dear Ezlo,Jimmy smoked crack and i didnt care jimmy smoked crack and i didnt care jimmy smoked crack and i didnt caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare.... and now he just od'ed

Ezlo replies...
Friends don't let friends make crappy song parodies. You're lonely, aren't you?


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